The Tales of Spencer and Ashley
by themelodyintheriver
Summary: "Seriously Ashley, don't touch anything in this garage. Okay?" "I heard you, woman! Get the flippin tweezers!" "Don't make me slap you." "...please?"
1. Tale One: The Nail Gun

_**A/N: Hey guys! I realize I haven't posted in a god-awful long time, but here is a story I actually wrote with some original characters of mine named Beth and Jake. I decided I liked it better with Spencer and Ashley. This series of short stories are related, but do not actually follow each other in any particular order, and they're entirely dialogue. They're just some goofy little stories I made up, so tell me what you think, yeah?  
**_

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"Hey, Spence!"

Silence.

"Spence! Where are you?"

Silence.

"SPENCE!"

"FRICK!"

"There you are."

"Gah! Next time you're yelling for me, please don't do it while I have a nail gun!"

"Right."

"Come hold this ladder for me so I can get down."

"Okay then."

"So, what'd you need?"

"I don't remember."

"What? You made me shoot myself in the hand, and you can't remember?"

"Hmm, what was it?"

"Ash…"

"I have it on the tip of my tongue…"

"Ash…"

"Hold on a sec, I almost remember."

"ASHLEY!"

THUD.

"Ooh, that looked like it hurt."

"I think I broke my butt…"

"Naw, you'll be fine."

"Take me to the hospital please. I'd like to get this nail out of my palm, and an assessment for my broken ass."

"Your ass is not broken, okay?"

"Yeah? Well you're not the one sitting on it right now."

"Fine, lets go to the hospital. Up you go."

"No, it hurts."

"We can't go anywhere unless you get your broken butt up off the floor."

"But, it hurts…"

"No butts, lets go."

"You're mean!"

"What! How am I mean?"

"You broke my ass, then MADE A STUPID PUN!"

"That was an accident."

"Really? So it wasn't your fault your short attention span made me fall off the ladder and onto the concrete floor?"

"No, it wasn't. It was the ADD."

"The ADD?"

"Yes."

"You make it sound as if its alive or something."

"It is! Stupid thingy. You'll be paying attention one moment, and the next, its poking inside your head, doing doomy stuff."

"Let me get this straight…"

"Okay."

"The ADD pokes inside your brain, and does 'doomy' stuff?"

"Doomy stuff. Yup."

"Take me to the hospital. I'll ask the doctors about a psych ward…"

"I should just leave you here on the floor with your impaled hand and broken ass."

"Yeah, yeah."

Ashley helps her off of the floor, slowly.

"OH!"

"What now? The ADD back doing doomy stuff?"

"Yeah! I remember what I wanted to tell you!"

"What is it?"

"Be careful with the nail gun."

~END~


	2. Tale Two: Paintbrushes

"Ash, grab that paintbrush right there."

"Which one?"

"That one."

"Which one?"

"The one that is now adhered to the back of your shorts."

"Oh, that one. Heh. Here ya go."

"Thank you."

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

SQUISH.

"You did it again, didn't you?"

"Yeah…"

"Watch where you sit."

"Right."

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

SQUEAK.

"What was that?"

Ashley points to her throat, with a panicked look on her face.

"What, Ashley? What's wrong now?"

"I think…"

"Yeah?"

"I think…"

"What?"

"I think…"

"Spit it out already!"

"I think I just swallowed A BUG!"

Silence.

SQUISH.

"Okay, give me the paintbrushes."

**~END~**


	3. Tale Three: Hammers and Cats

"SPENCE!"

"Ashley…"

"SPENCE!"

"Ashley…"

"SPENCER!"

"ASHLEY!"

"Oh, there you are!"

"I was standing right next to you."

"Right…anyways, do you know where the hammer is?"

"Nope, haven't seen it all day."

"You sure?"

"Yes, honey."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely, positively…"

"Yes, Ashley, I'm sure."

"Well, okay then."

Silence.

"SPENCER!"

"I'm still standing right next to you."

"I knew that. Do you know where the cat is?"

"No, why do you want the cat?"

"Because I can't find the hammer."

**~END~**


	4. Tale Four: ADD Strikes Back

"Ash?"

"Yes?"

"Wanna hand me that Phillips head screwdriver over there, by the TV?"

"Where is it?"

"By the TV, love."

"This?"

"No, sweetie, that's a candlestick."

"Is it this?"

"No, that's a letter opener."

"What about this one?"

"Honey, that's the cat."

"_Meow"_

"Right."

"By the TV, Ashley!"

"Oh, this one?"

"Yes."

"Now what do I do with it?"

"Bring it over here so I can finish what I'm doing."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm _trying _to attach this bookshelf to the wall, now could I have the screwdriver?"

"Sure."

"Thank you, now bring it over here…to me…"

"Right, I'm coming."

"Ash, watch out!"

"FRICK!"

WHOOSH…

CRACK!

"Stupid cat…"

"Ash…"

"Giant furball licks his butt all day…"

"Ashley…"

"Then he trips me in my own house…"

"ASHLEY!"

"Yes, dear?"

"The screwdriver is sticking out of the wall next to me. Care to yank it out please?"

"Sure."

CRACK

"I meant, yank it out, without taking anymore of the wall with you."

"Well, you didn't say that. Its not my fault."

"Well, its not mine, and its not the cats, so who's is it?"

"The ADD."

**~END~**


	5. Tale Five: Drilly

BZZZZZ

"ASHLEY!"

BZZZZZ

"ASHLEY!"

BZZZZZ

CRASH

"Ow!"

"Ashley!"

"Yes, dear?"

"I need the power drill, have you seen it anywhere?"

"Um, nope! Haven't seen it anywhere."

"What's behind your back?"

"Nothing!"

_**FIVE MINUTES LATER**_

BZZZZZ

"Ash?"

BZZZZZ

"ASHLEY!"

"OW!"

"Ash?"

"Yes, love?"

"Are you positive that you haven't seen the drill?"

"Absolutely. Try the junk drawer!"

"Thanks, honey!"

_**TEN MINUTES LATER**_

BZZZZZ

BZZZZZ

BZZZZZ

"ASHLEY!"

"Whoa! When did you get down here?"

"I still can't find the drill."

"I think it's over there."

"Where?"

"Over where?"

"Over…"

"Huh?"

"Oh! Here it is! Haha. Right here…here ya go, honey."

"Thanks."

Spencer begins to walk back up the stairs to the house.

"Ash?"

"Yes?"

"Why does the side of my old bookshelf say, 'AsH RooLz'?"

**~END~**


	6. Tale Six: Metal Doohikey

"Spencer?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I need that tall metal doohickey with steps!"

"…do you mean the ladder?"

"Yeah, sure."

"It's in the garage."

"But I didn't see it when I looked."

"Well, did you actually look?"

"…briefly…"

"You didn't even glance did you?"

"Mayhaps…"

"Honey, its just to the right of the back door on the garage."

"Okay! I'll be right back!"

_**Fifteen Minutes Later**_

"Ash?"

Silence.

"Ashley?"

Silence.

Spencer walks into the garage.

"Ash, you in here?"

"_Meow_"

"Hello Chunkit. Where's mommy?"

"_Meow_"

"…you're not helpful, fatty."

"_Meow_"

"Alrighty then. Ashley are you in here?"

"…maybe…"

"Where are you?"

"In the back."

"You've been gone for a while, everything okay?"

"…um…yeah…"

"Why don't I believe you?"

"Are you saying I'm lying?"

"Yes."

"Well. Fine then."

Spencer walks to the back of the garage.

"Are you serious right now?"

"…"

"What happened?"

"Chunkit! He's tryin to kill me!"

"_Meow_"

"I highly doubt that honey."

"He did! He tripped me!"

"And you spilled a bucket of paint all over the place, including your own body AND got yourself tangled in an extension cord because of him?"

"…yes…"

"I'm sure."

"This paint smells like…paint."

"Astute observation dear."

"Gonna help me up any time soon?"

"Nah. I'll let you hang out here for a bit. When you're done, take a shower."

"You suck."

"Yeah."

"Well. Okay."

Spencer leaves Ashley with Chunkit.

"Damn furball."

"_Meow_"

_**~The End~**_


	7. Tale Seven: WTF!

"Hey Ash?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Could you come here and help me move this?"

"Feasibly. What the heck is it?"

"This would be our dining table."

"Ah. I was wondering what we needed that for…"

"To eat on, you mean?"

"…yes."

"Right. Well, grab that end there."

"Which one? This one?"

"Babe, I'm on this side."

"Oh. Yes. Right."

"Go over there, on that end."

"Here?"

"Yes. Now, on the count of three we lift. Got it?"

"Three. Gotcha."

"One, two…"

CRACK

"Ashley Marie!"

"What?"

"You cracked the table!"

"Did not!"

"You did too! Lifted it before I counted to three!"

"Spence, its just a little crack…"

"It's the size of Montana. Little my ass."

"…for my own safety, I will NOT comment on that…"

"Smart woman."

"Anywho, I know how to fix this."

"Oh? Do you REALLY?"

"Yes, be right back!"

SILENCE

SILENCE

"I'm back!"

"I see that."

RRRRRRRIP!

"Babe?"

RRRRRRRIP!

"Ash?"

RRRRRRRIP!

"ASHLEY!"

"Yes, darling?"

"You are NOT using that to fix our table."

"But babe…its duct tape. It fixes EVERYTHING!"

"No."

"But…"

"Absolutely not."

"Fine you weenie. Be right back."

SILENCE

SILENCE

"I'm back!"

"Oh, joy."

"What was that?"

"I said 'Oh, yay!'"

"Okee dokee then. I have our solution!"

"To the problem you caused?"

"What of it, woman?"

"Nothing. Continue."

"Ta-da!"

"Super-glue?"

"Yes, second only to duct tape as far as fixin junk."

"So very eloquent, dear."

"Fo sho. Anywho, this will definitely work!"

"Have at it then."

"Okay!"

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"You glued your hand to the table, didn't you?"

"…perhaps…"

_Meow_

"Even the cat thinks you're a moron."

"Super helpful, Chunkit. Thanks."

_Meow_

"I'll go get the solvent."

"_*sigh* _Okay."

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Way to go, human."

"THE FUCK?"

**~The End~**


	8. Tale Eight: Roofing and Wall Adornments

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my wonderful reader/reviewer courtneymiller91 for making me smile with her comment about stupid furballs :]**

**Enjoy!**

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ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

"Hey babe?"

ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

"ASHLEY!"

"Yes, dear?"

"Why are you doing that?"

"Well, these are supposed to protect us from bad weather or some junk. Right?"

"Well, yes…"

"So, what's the problemo, captain?"

"Babe, those are roofing tiles…"

"I know this already."

"They generally go on the OUTSIDE of the house…"

"Oh…I knew that."

"Also, you're not supposed to use an electric staple gun to secure them."

"Well. This is awkward."

"No Ash, Its just you."

"Yeah well…you suck."

"Good comeback."

"Okay, then I guess I should get started on taking these down, huh?"

"Might be a good idea, yeah."

"Spence, can you hold the metal doohickey?"

"It's called a ladder, Ash. A L-A-D-D-E-R."

"Isn't that some Disney prick that rides on a used carpet?"

"Are you referring to Aladdin?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Riiiiiiiight…"

"Hold the doohickey so I can come down already!"

"Okay, gotcha."

"Here I come!"

ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

ZZZBANG

"SHIT!"

"Ashley! Are you okay?"

"Ouchie! This hurts like a mofo!"

"Well, one of those went through the TV, and the other seems to have pinned the cat to the wall…"

_MEOW!_

"Oh, shut up you furry bastard."

"Ashley, your leg is bleeding. Did you shoot yourself?"

"Mayhaps…"

"Certainly looks that way to me."

"Hey, Spence!"

"Yes?"

"Look!"

"What?"

"I'm the staple of our relationship! Get it?"

"…"

"Really? Nothing?"

"There are no words."

"Well, that blows."

"We need to get you to the hospital before you bleed enough to pass out."

"Sounds el fantastico!"

"You're already light-headed aren't you?"

"The room's only spinning…well, a lot…"

"Lets go."

"Wait!"

"What now?"

"Well…"

"What is it, Ash?"

"…we should probably un-staple the cat…"

~END~


	9. Tale Nine: Splintery Compass Wounds

"SPLINTER!"

"Ash?"

"OHEMGEE! SPLINTER!"

"Ashley!"

"SON OF A…"

"ASHLEY!"

"*ahem* Yes, dear?"

"Uh, are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"But…weren't you just screaming? About a splinter?"

"Oh? Was I?"

"Yes, babe. I heard you from the living room."

"Oh. Well, no biggie."

"It hurts doesn't it?"

"YES! OHMYGOD! Pull it out, Spencer! PLEASE!"

"Okay, stop playing with the table saw and those two by fours, and I'll be right back"

"Gotcha."

"Seriously Ashley, don't touch anything in this garage. Okay?"

"I heard you, woman! Get the flippin tweezers!"

"Don't make me slap you."

"…please?"

"Hold tight."

"Okay!"

_**THIRTY SECONDS LATER**_

"SLIVER!"

_Shit. _"Ashley?"

"PAPER CUT!"

"ASH!"

"COMPASS WOUND!"

"ASHLEY MARIE!"

"*ahem* Yes, dear?"

"Did you really just give yourself a sliver, paper cut, AND a compass wound?"

"…yes."

"And just HOW did you manage THAT?"

"Well, I tried to get the splinter out…"

"Yeah?"

"By rubbing it on the two by four…"

"And that seemed like a good idea?"

"And then when I gave myself the sliver, which is next to my splinter…"

"Oh, Lord."

"I tried to get it out by using that sheet of paper…"

"Where'd you learn first aid? From cavemen?"

"And so when I got the paper cut…"

"It was the cat. Chunkit taught you first aid, didn't he?"

"I used my orienteering compass, the pointy end, to dig out the splinter and the sliver…"

"Or possibly your mother…"

"And ended up stabbing said finger."

"Maybe from Glen? Naw, I'm blaming the cat on this one."

"Spence?"

"Yep, definitely Chunkit's fault, cause there's NO WAY that MY wife learned that from ME."

"I'm done explaining. Can we go to the ER now?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure babe."

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"Of course!"

"You didn't hear a word, huh?"

"*scoff* Yes I did!"

"What'd I say?"

"Uh…something about an elephant. Yes. I'm sure Babar was in there somewhere…"

"You suck."

"*jingles the car keys* What was that, Ash?"

"You're a fucking angel!"

"Thought so."

"I love you, Spence."

"I love you too, Ash."

"Hey Spencer?"

"Yes, love?"

"…my finger is turning blue…"

"Ah, right."

"ER?"

"Of course."

"Awesome."

"So, did you get that splinter out?"

"…what splinter?"

~END~


	10. Tale Ten: The Keys

**A/N: My apologies for not posting anything in a long ass time. I have a laptop now, and easier access to interwebs. Plus I've recently become addicted to Tumblr and some of my followers on there inspired me to write more, so here's a new chapter for the Tales. I'm hoping to get a new story up and going soon, but I can't decide whether it'll be for Spashley or Faberry (Glee) so I will let you know! Leave me some love, okay? I hope this at least makes you giggle a little. Enjoy!**

**WARNING: Explicit language used in this chapter!**

* * *

"Hey Ash?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Could you run to the store for me? I need more nails."

"Sure thing."

"Make sure you go to the hardware store this time."

"It wasn't my fault!"

"I know I know. How were you supposed to know that the seven stores you went to last time wouldn't carry any nails at all. Just go to Ace or something."

"As in cards?"

"No, honey. Ace Hardware. Or Lowe's, or whatever's around here."

"Right."

"Ash?"

"Yes?"

"Try to avoid the candy store this time."

"But…but…"

"I do not need a repeat of last time."

"But its candy…"

"Nope. Not dealing with your crabby ass and a sour stomach. No candy, please."

"Fine."

"Could you go get the nails now?"

"Whatevs. Be back momentarily."

"Thanks honey."

_**Door slams**_

_**30 Seconds later**_

"Shit."

"Ash?"

"Damnit."

"Ash? Honey?"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Ashley Marie! What is your problem?"

"I grabbed the keys to your car instead of my truck."

"Well grab the right ones this time, goofball."

"Gotcha. Be back."

_**Door slams**_

_**30 Seconds Later**_

"Damn it all to Hell!"

"Ashley?"

"What is this fuckery?"

"What's the matter now?"

"Grabbed the keys for the lawn mower."

"Um, they're like half the size of your truck keys babe."

"….I knew that."

"Got the right ones now?"

"Yeah! Be back!"

_**Door Slams**_

_**30 Seconds Later**_

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

"Dear sweet Lord, what is the problem this time?"

"Grabbed the keys to the boat."

"…we don't have a boat."

"…well then. I have no idea what these are for."

"Oooookay. Where are your truck keys?"

"I don't know, but could you help me look?"

"Sure thing, babe."

_**Thirty Minutes Later**_

"Spence?"

"Yes?"

"Spencer?"

"Yes, Ash?"

"SPENCER!"

"I'm standing behind you."

"Oh, yes. I found my keys."

"Where were they?"

"…I don't want to tell you."

"Ash, where were your keys?"

"…in my pocket."

*facepalm*

"In my defense, I don't remember putting them there!"

"Then who did, Ash?"

_Meow_

"Not now, Chunkit."

"Well, now that you have them, please go and get the nails!"

"Okay, calm down Satan!"

"What?"

"I said I'll be right back with those nails, darling!"

"Okay. I love you!"

"Love you too, be back soon."

_**Door Slams**_

"It was me."

"…"

"I put her keys there."

"uh…Chunkit?"

_Meow_

"Thank God, I thought I was channeling my wife for a moment."

"I totally did it."

"…..WHAT THE FUCK?"

**~END~**


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